The Scientific Taxonomy of Cosmetics

Cosmetic product names have gotten entirely out of hand. Case in point: Maybelline New York Instant Age Rewind Double Face Perfector. What's that? Let's use science and a little advertising know-how to dissect this string of words. Kingdom – Maybelline This is the brand name. OK, I get that. Phylum – New York Companies use a descriptor like this to give their brand extra cache and perceived credibility. Of course, this only works if you're company is associated with a city like New York or Paris. If you're in Springfield, your product taxonomy skips straight to Class. Class – Instant They want to tell you that this product works fast. But it's only as fast as you are. Order – Age Rewind Hey, everyone likes anti-aging, so let's tack that on. This also tells us the age group this product is targeted toward. If it were for a younger audience (and from Cover Girl), the Order would be something like Fruit Spritzer, Lash Blast, or Cheekers. Family – Double In case you didn't notice, it has product on two ends. Did I mention that both ends have product? I mean, you're really getting two products. So fork over a few extra bucks. Genus – Face Finally we get some clue as to where to put this stuff. Species – Perfector They should have used the word "concealer," since that's what it is (I discovered this thanks to the caption in the magazine, and no thanks to the name of the product). Companies don't like to use the same words that their competitors use in their marketing materials. Even if that means making up words that are no longer communicative.

I can't imagine the focus group in which Maybelline New York Instant Age Rewind Double Face Perfector was deemed to be good. But it likely started with the moderator saying something like this, "Do you like the phrase age rewind?" Why, yes, of course. "Do you like things instantly?" Yes, again. "How about a product that would perfect your face?" Hallelujah!